(p.s. S equates the word MOTHER as a bad person--thank you Tangled).
I have this friend who sometimes posts about what kind of mother she wants to be. She has great aspirations and has put thought into this.
I remember when I was pregnant with #1 I heard a RS lesson where the person was talking about what we did to prepare ourselves for marriage/motherhood. To be honest, I didn't and had no idea what she was talking about. I figured, people have been having babies for hundreds of years, this mother stuff will come naturally.
It did not.
I felt like clawing my way out of the house and rewinding my life and heading back to school. It was an adjustment to be sure. This screaming, eating, squirming body I was supposed to take care of? And there was hardly anyone to talk to for those first few months. I cried every day. Postpartum depression hit for a while there too. What had I gotten myself into?!?
I did have some preparation for motherhood if you count my stint on the postpartum unit and peds in nursing school plus a few years shared with siblings in cribs. Boy was I in for a shocker when everything that read so simply (i.e. feed newborns every 2 to 3 hours, what to do for diaper rash, eczema, etc. etc.----SOUNDS so SIMPLE doesn't it?) turned out to be a lot more complicated when you're dealing with your own living, screaming baby.
Our first was our hardest baby so far. Probably cause we were novices and she had all these health issues (food allergies, eczema, reflux, etc.). She would scream for hours and I came to understand why some people make a sad choice and shake a baby in the moment of frustration/sleep deprivation/craziness. A few times I had to just set her down and walk away to cool off from the crying. My mom says I was a bit paranoid about her crying but I seriously had a sort of PTSD that lasted for about 10 months after she was born from all the crying I put up with. If she got off her routine at all and was overtired, we were HAD.
#2 was similar, but luckily her "colic" (insert nightly screaming for 3+ hours) lasted only 2 months. The jury is out on #3 at this point. Let's just say we call him our "good boy"--knock on wood.
I've also come to learn that children are synergistically harder. I thought when B was about 18 months (super fun age but exhausting) that I could handle another kid so baby #2 was on her way. But I didn't account for the fact that B would CHANGE . . . Ahh . . . novice.
On the positive side, once the baby isn't so fragile, more kids = more fun. They are so fun to see interact and play together. They are my little friends day (and night). :) I love our little conversations and helping them learn everything new. It is so fun to see the light in their eyes.
Also, I LOVED growing up with lots (5) brothers and sisters. When the house was quiet it was Strange.
Anyhow, I figure we all find something or other to blame on our parents and nobody's perfect. So even though I am going to try my hardest to be patient, and play with my kids, and take them on fun outing, and teach them to be reverent, and how to go potty, etc. etc. and ALL the other things "good" moms do, I know I will mess up, (and I do). And that at some point one of my kids will say "I hate you" and I will just crumble inside because I have put so much into them. But then we will have fun times too and B will pinch my arm fat and squeeze my arm while we eat donuts and watch Finding Nemo and say "I love you" like she did tonight.
So, I do want to be the kind of mother who teaches her children patiently, and the kind of mother they can come to with any concerns, and the kind of mother they know always supports them. And Especially I want to be the kind of mother who shows her children that she truly really loves them and cherishes them no matter what.
So here's to trying my best and being the kind of mother I envision and God wants me to become. But also accepting and dealing with my humanity and trying to be better every day.
